Listening in Love

Imagine if we could get a glimpse of each of our children’s future. What if we could know how to enhance their full potential? Or motivate them to find this themselves. What is the greatest thing we can give our children to help them reach their goals in life? 

Right now we can begin this quest for understanding by just listening to them.

My children are getting to an age where they want to ask specific questions. They need help with individual problems. Sometimes they need to verbally express things from the heart. Most of the time if all I do is listen, they have already solved their own problem or reached their own understanding without me influencing what they should think or feel.

 But other times they need me to listen. They want me to communicate and validate that what they are thinking or feeling is actually ok. They need me to listen, connect and communicate with them. Taking time to listen and go to deeper levels of communication will help in understanding our children and to nurture them in their life path. 

Dr. Douglass E. Brinley in First Comes Love (2002) wrote about three levels of communication in all personal relationships. He labels these levels as superficial, personal and validating. He writes about the need to have balance between these three levels of conversations in order to form deeper bonds. I believe that all child-parent relationships would benefit if all these levels of communication were met. I also believe that if we communicated with our children every day, we would have a greater understanding of how and what our children need to learn naturally. This is the basis of understanding child led learning. This is the key to unlock our children’s full potential. 

 Let me briefly explain these three levels of communication. Firstly, the superficial level. It is informative and non confrontational.  We coordinate, delegate, discuss and comment about the runnings of everyday life here. This is the most common level of our conversations and is necessary for communication. If we only speak and listen at the superficial level, deeper connections or resolutions of conflict may be missed. We need to communicate at deeper levels and discuss things that matter. 

What matters to one child may differ from the other and that’s where speaking and listening gets tricky. However the personal communication level needs to be used frequently in order to form deeper relationships. At the personal communication level we open and share our interests, our dreams, our passions, beliefs and goals. It is also a place where we share our disappointments, our struggles or fears. This level goes beyond the speaking of words to the sharing of emotions, feelings and concerns. There is a lot of trust, connection and strength involved with speaking in this communication level. When we share what is important with our family we feel appreciated. We feel wanted. We feel valued. When these feelings occur we can reach the third level of communication. 

When we communicate in the third level called validation, we provide nurtured praise, complements and love from paying attention to what has been communicated in the personal communication level. It is about looking for the good in the other person. This communication has profound impacts on each other. Deeper connections will thrive.  Conflicts can heal. Peace in relationships can be restored. Clarity for our children occurs. Validation communication is about verbally acknowledging what was expressed in the personal communication level in sympathy. We won’t reach this level of deep meaningful communication unless we start to truely listen to each other. 

No matter what level of communication with another we are in, the greatest skill we can have is being able to listen effectively. Listening is not just about gaining information. It’s key is to gaining understanding. It’s vital for parents to understanding their children.  Effective listening helps to try and see other viewpoints. Learn to listen, so that you can listen to learn. When you are able to use your voice and feel like you are being heard no matter how old you are or who you are talking too, that’s when positive changes, deeper relationships and the highest form of respect occurs. This is listening in love. This is when and how souls connect. 

How do we aim to listen in love in our home? 

There is magic to sitting around the dinner table each night with your family. We have no phones, no tv on. This is a time set aside each day that everyone in our house knows, we will be eating and communicating with each other. I try to reach all three levels of communication around our dinner table each night with my husband and children. One of our aims at dinner time is to build our children’s wellbeing. To help them to find their individual worth. We love our round dinner table as it opens the opportunity to communicate non verbally through, looking into each other’s eyes and seeing all facial expressions. Sometimes a smile is all that’s needed to open deeper communication levels and show that you love, care and are concerned about each and everyone in your family. But sometimes effective listening in our house can not be scheduled. Most of the time it happens at random times through out the day. 

Effective listening in love will occur through out the everyday moments of life. It can occur when you are one-on-one with your children. It can occur in structured or unstructured family activities. It can occur after conflict arises. It can occur in the library, at the shops or even on the beach. Our key as parents is to be open and ready for these golden situations to arise. To pay attention. Listen and watch carefully each child. Ask them questions. Don’t speak over the top of them. Clarify their responses so you completely understand what they are trying to say. This also helps them to know that what they have said has been heard. When they feel you understand they will find it easier to listen to what you need to communicate. 

I challenge you to go deeper in all three levels of conversation with your child. I challenge you to listen to learn. I challenge you to gain understanding of their wants and desires on a personal level. I challenge you to praise and validate their needs. I challenge you to turn the tv off, take the phones away and set a time that everyone in your household comes for dinner to chat. I challenge you that when golden opportunities arise, you may be able to connect deeper with your children through conversations. May we all be able to listen in love effectively. May we all be able to help our children reach their full potential through the art of listening. 

Xx. Allyssa